SCTV

Segment 1: Promo: Monster chiller Horror Theatre: The House of Cats; Count Floyd shows Some clips from the three-dimensional semi-classic. Floyd is selling the 3D glasses for 27 bucks. Segment 2: Clip: Dr. Tongue's 3D House of Cats; Dr. Tongue transforms women into cats. (The 3D technique is not quite perfected at this point.) Segment 3: SCTV Sports Central: Desert Classic; Coverage of the Bob Hope Desert Classic begins with some background on Bob's golf career. Segment 4: Commercial: Delay; Have your headache when you want it. Segment 5: Betty Bain: Professional Juror; Betty takes jury duty seriously, sacrificing her family life. Segment 6: Promo: Masterpiece Theatre: Naughty Chambermaids; Alistair's introduction is interrupted by a walk on by Bob Hope plugging his special. Segment 7: Bob Hope Desert Classic; Bob and Lou host this star-studded golfing event. Begin has a bad lie, and argues with Arafat. King Fahud shows Lola how to hold her putter. Charlton Heston helps Golda chip through a pipeline. Arafat occupies the 12th hole, while Begin takes the 13th fairway. Lou gets lost off the 18th hole.

Segment 1: Commercial: Gordon Lightfoot Sings Every Song Ever Written; 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious,' 'Happy Birthday,' 'Good King Wenceslas,' '76 Trombones' and more, from K-Tel. Record $4.99, tape or cassette $6.99. Segment 2: Cooking with Marcello: Vatican; Live, via the SCTV satellite, Marcello visits the Vatican and waits to tour the kitchens. He pinches the wrong girl and buys a souvenir picture of the pope. The pope gets kidnapped. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 18: Sports; Hockey was better when there were only 6 teams. Now it's too hard to carry around your cards. And why is Monday Night Football on Thursday? Segment 4: Crazy Crafts: Bob; Molly has a bit of a hangover. She introduces Bob, who she met last night, and tries to figure out what she made the night before. Segment 5: Message from Guy: Alpha Channel; Guy introduces Alpha Channel, and explains why he uses a wheelchair: "for respect." Segment 6: Promo: Alpha Channel; The exclusive Alpha Channel goes behind the scenes to show Neil Simon working on a script, Jane Fonda's latest movie, Woody Allen's movie and Alan Alda talking to his agent. Segment 7: Bill Needle's Mailbag 8; The show length is cut in half again, to seven and a half seconds. Segment 8: Dialing for Dollars: Partridge Family Goes to Mars; The jackpot is 10 dollars. Walter gets a threatening phone call.

Segment 1: Message from Prickley: Rock Concert; Edith welcomes us to another fine year at SCTV. She introduces herself ("I replaced that schmo Moe Green"), and invites us to stay tuned. Segment 2: Promo: Rhoda; Rhoda's running a clinic, and she's lost weight. Segment 3: Promo: My Fair Lady; The Professor finds Perini a touch nut to crack. They sing the "Rain in Spain" bit. Segment 4: Teaser: SCTV News Segment 5: Kanadian Korner 1: Introductory Show; Bob and Doug McKenzie announce that they had to change the name to Great White North for legal reasons. They have new boots. Segment 6: SCTV News: Earl's funblemouth; Togo blames quake on the CIA. Earl has trouble delivering his items. Segment 7: Promo: My Life: One More Time; Woody finds someone he can relate to. Segment 8: Lee A. Iacocca's Rock Concert; Lee asks for 1.5 billion dollars in government assistance and encourages viewers to harass their congressmen. He then complains about government regulations. He introduces Ringo's new band Rings ("Cause I know That You'll Always be True"). Lee offers a five dollar rebate and her personal guarantee to every viewer, and introduces Gino Vinelli ("Stop"). Lee introduces his daughter Imogena and also introduces Slim and Barbra ("You Don't Bring Me Flowers"). Lee once more urges viewers to write the government, then introduces George Carlin. Finally, Lee introduces Tony Orlando and sings a duet with him ("Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round a Dodge Omni"). Lee makes a final pitch.